The Life That Is Mine

My mom forwarded me an email this morning that I found to be simple, yet brilliant. I immediately wanted to share it with everybody that I possibly could...so I decided to post it:

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" The answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight does not matter. It depends how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it is the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you are carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested for a while."

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6. If you lend someon $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
8. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!
10. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
11. The second mouse gets the cheese.
12. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
13. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
14. You may be only one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
16. We could learn a lot from crayons...some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all or different colors...but they all have to live in the same box.
17. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

“The Night”
Her “picture pefect”, carefree life came to a screeching halt that night. In minutes, she took an abrupt and dreadfully sharp turn off of the pathway that she had been previously traveling. It was a pathway lined with lush, beautiful foliage…bursting with countless forms of joyful life. Then...that night, she was turned onto a pathway that was dark, lifeless and miserably depressing. Things have never been the same since that night…”the” night. Following that night, years and years went by in which her life spiraled viciously downward…out of control. She now writes the following letter, although she knows it will not be sent:
Dear "Destroyer"
I have been desperately yearning to get this off my chest for years. I have want to remind you of what you did to me that night…make sure you can’t ever “forget”. I want to fully explain, although impossible, the constant hurt and pain that you selfishly inflicted upon me that night…the hurt and pain that has consumed my body ever since. I want you to tell me why you did it. I want you to tell me how you felt. I want you to look me in the eye…acknowledge what you did…feel my pain.
All I ever asked of you since that night was to acknowledge to me what happened…acknowledge that you quietly and passively watced the aftermath of your actions…silently watched my physical and mental deterioration. I want you to acknowledge that you forever crushed my previously healthy self-esteem…acknowledge that, out of fear and shame, I let you get away with something that should have had serious consequences…that should have destroyed YOUR life too.
Although I am not a hateful person…I have such an intense disgust and anger towards you and what you did to me that night. I have such an intense fury that has been forever established in my heart. My stomach turns…anxiety overwhelms me…my mind begins to aggressively spin…contemplating each of the things that I wish I would have done to avoid that night…all of the things I wish I had done after that night…all of the pain that I want you to lift from my soul and carry within you.
There was nothing physically visible from that night…there was no evidence to outwardly display my injuries…to inform others of the damage that was done. Internally however, I was destroyed. You destroyed something inside of me that can never be completely repaired…inflicted wounds that can be medicated…bandaged...relieved of some of the pain…but never fully healed. The scars will always be large and obvious. You destroyed a piece of me. I want you to acknowledge what you did that night…to acknowledge the role that you played in the night that changed my life forever.
Sincerely,
"Destroyed"

Bon Jovi is one of my absolute favorite artists of all time. He has one song titled "Bad Medicine". This is a simple and perfect way to describe a few things in my life. First of all, the lyrics go like this:

Bad Medicine

I aint got a fever got a permanent disease - Itll take more than a doctor to prescribe a remedy - I got lots of money but it isnt what I need - Gonna take more than a shot to get this poison out of me - I got all the symptoms count em 1,2,3
First I need - Thats what you get for falling in love - Then you bleed - You get a little but its never enough - On your knees - Thats what you get for falling in love - And now this boys addicted cause your kiss is the drug
Your love is like bad madicine - Bad medicine is what I need - Shake it up, just like bad madicine - There aint no doctor that can cure my disease
Bad, bad medicine - Bad, bad medicine
I dont need no needle - To be giving me a thrill - And I dont need no anesthesia - Or a nurse to bring a pill - I got a dirty down addiction - It doesnt leave a track - I got a jones for your affection - Like a monkey on my back
There aint no paramedic - Gonna save this heart attack - When you need - Thats what you get for falling in love - Then you bleed - You get a little but its never enough - On your knees - Thats what you get for falling in love - Now Im addicted and your kiss is the drug
Your love is like bad madicine - Bad medicine is what I need - Shake it up, just like bad medicine - So lets play doctor, baby - Cure my disea - seBad, bad medicine - Bad, bad medicine
I need a respirator cause Im running out of breath - Youre an all night generator wrapped in stockings and a dress - When you find your medicine you take what you can get - Cause if theres something better baby well thay havent found it yet - Your love is like bad medicine - Bad medicine is what I need - Shake it up, just like bad medicine - There aint no doctor that can cure my disease
Your love is like bad medicine - Bad medicine is what I need - Shake it up, just like bad medicine - Your loves the potion that can cure my disease
Bad, bad medicine
Bad, bad medicine

I can relate to these lyrics as if it were me who put them down on paper. I have a few forms of "bad medicine" that I have used to temporarily relieve my pain. The main medications on my list are alcohol, the touch of men, self destruction and drugs/pills. Each of these is obviously very "bad medicine". I know this. Yet, I continue to use some of them. I continue in my attempt to hide, suppress and numb my pain. Ironically and continually, the pain is later increased and intensified. But I get a moment, no matter how short or long, to stop feeling...to stop hurting...to stop hating myself. Each of these "bad medicine"'s momentarily fills some kind of void within me...or at least takes my focus off of my obstacles. I know better...I hate to see anyone else on this destructive and unhealthy path...and it seems so stupid...yet I continue on down that road. Also, eliminating one of my "meds" or coping mechanisms has always been followed by simply acquiring another destructive remedy. If it's not this, it's that. If it's not that, it's those. I don't want to continue to self-destruct...yet I do. I have an extremely obsessive, addictive and impulsive personality. Sometimes these qualities honestly make it difficult for me to even give a shit about anything...myself...life...the consequences of my actions...anything. I know that I must clean out my "medicine" cabinet...but the mere thought leaves me feeling ill, anxious and resistant. Then what will I do? Then I would have to feel...all the time! That is an overwhelming contemplation.
Bad, bad medicine...bad medicine is what I need
Bad, bad medicine...bad medicine is killing me

I currently coach a 4th grade girls basketball team. We had our first game yesterday and we won 19 to 11. :-) I had so much fun! The sense of accomplishment and pride on the girls' young faces was fantastically coupled with the occasional chaotic confusion to be expected in their first ever basketball game.
Hearing them squeal after the game about how much fun they had left me with a feeling of total success as my motto/coaching philosophy can be summarized by the simple adage, "Do your best and Have fun!" Those are the only two things that I could ever ask as a coach.
Because I previously assisted my dad in coaching the 4th grade girl's volleyball team during the fall sports season, which now makes up half of my basketball team, I have become quite attached and fond of these little girls. Their innocence and excitement is fascinating...and I find myself wanting to forever protect each of them from ever being robbed of that happiness...from ever having to experience the reality of our often vicious world. I know that doing so is impossible...and it disheartens me.
These precious girls bring out my inner child...and constantly display such an inspiring passion for life.
Seeing them look up to me, I remember the way that I looked at older girls when I was their age...with such an admiration and a desire to make them proud. I never imagined myself being that "older girl". Furthermore, I never imagined how much I aspire to never disappoint them...probably moreso than they even attempt to refrain from disappointing me. I strive to be a valuable and encouraging female role model to them. I want to influence them positively and have a confidence-inducing impact on their lives.
I know that I can not keep them young, innocent and unharmed...but I can and will do my very best to provide them with the tools, confidence and values that will help them remain strong and to believe in themselves when they are inevitably faced with adversity down the road.
I look forward to watching each of them grow up into the beautiful women that I know they will. In the mantime, I will enjoy their joyful and innocent spirits.

I try so hard to act so confident and strong...to hide each weakness and the nagging insecurities. But I'm very fragile...shattered and so loosely glued back together. I am weak...so susceptible to injury.
I'm falling for you hard...and I'm scared...but want desperately to ignore my fears. When I'm with you, my worries are lifted...momentarily pushed back into a place that allows me to smile...to believe in love...and to peacefully sleep long enough to dream.
Laying in your strong, safe arms...pressed against your baby smooth skin...smelling your distinct, alluring smell with each inhale...knowing that I will never forget it...and periodically feeling your full, soft lips press softly against my forehead.
I begin to feel lost in you, my legs intertwined in yours...feeling your gentle breath steadily warm my cheek as my head gently rises and falls in unison with your perfectly muscular chest.
The way that you notice when my toes are cold and immediately wrap them in the warmth of yours...the way you lightly run your fingers over each curve of my body sending chills down my spine and releasing butterflies in my stomach. The way you relax your hold on me when I need to adjust my position in the middle of the night and then promptly pull me back into your arms and caress me back to sleep.
The way we playfully argue about who is better...Kobe or Michael. The way I can act goofy without hesitation. The way you look at me...the way that your eyes seem to genuinely care. The way your smile lights me up inside.
Each moment with you feels so right...but I worry that you don't feel the way that I do. I worry that the intensity and passion that I feel are unmatched...and may eventually be abandoned. Yet somehow, even that crushing possibility seems to be completely overshadowed by any opportunity that I am granted to feel the special way that you make me feel.
Upon our first meeting, your outward beauty was immediately matched with an internal beauty that is so complete...so powerful. I have only known you a short time and yet you make me feel as though it has been forever. I question myself...am I being reckless...getting attached too soon...setting myself up to be hurt? But then I lock eyes with you and feel connected to you in a way that I can not describe. It's as if my thoughts repeatedly jump from my mind to your lips and I wonder if I unknowlingly said them out loud...I didn't. You and I are are just so much alike...so perfectly different and perfectly alike...a balance that can not be created if not naturally there.
I want to ask you if there is anyone who takes my place in your arms on the nights that I lie alone...but I am scared. I don't want to so much as even open myself up to the possibility of an answer that would sadden me...even though it is something that I must find the courage to ask. I just don't want to forfeit the way that you make me feel. I'm scared. I'm falling for you hard.
Please don't hurt me.

A few days ago, one of my best friends from school (@ University of Dayton) gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. It is so crazy and difficult for me to try to comprehend the reality of any of my friends married with children! Furthermore, this particular friend used to be my "partner in crime". We had a little "crazy, too much partying" phase together. Now, she is settled down with a teaching job, a great husband with whom she is madly in love, and now an absolutely gorgeous baby boy.

Since hearing her wonderful happy news, I have been thinking a whole lot...too much as usual. Part of me wishes that I at least had something that had potential to one day lead to marriage and babies...even potential to have potential. Another part of me considers myself so young and so far away from even wanting to settle down with a family. Then, at the thought of one day having children, whenever that may be...I become scared...my stomach twisting and turning with that feeling I get when I know I'm about to get in trouble. I know it is not something that is in my near future...but I would like to think it is in my future somewhere down the road. And it terrifies me. I start to look at myself and my life from an outside perspective...I see that I am at a very unstable time in my life...a place that I have visited and revisited many times over the past 7 or 8 years...too many times to count...a place that I feel that I will unfortunately continue to visit throughout the rest of my life. When I am in this particular place...I can not take proper care of myself...physically, emotionally, mentally. So...how would I ever care for my babies...for a family of my own. I get scared. I continue to think and try to believe that I would pull it together and be a great mother...and assume for a moment that this will be the case...I get scared again. Will I pass my insecurities...my problems...my issues...onto my children? Will I bring someone into this world that, god forbid, will come to a time in their life in which they no longer want to even live? How would I ever begin to deal with those kinds of things. Right now, I feel short of breath and overwhelmed at the thought. This is probably due to the fact that one of my few and greatest fears is failure...failure at anything. I don't want to fail...I have an intense and extreme fear of failing...to a fault. I want to, at the very least, be able to contemplate my future without feeling sick to my stomach, without my heart racing, without that overwhelming apprehension. I want to believe that one day I will. But it is very hard for me to believe. I am so happy for my friend and her happiness and this new chapter in her life. But I just wish my brain had an "off" or "mute" button sometimes...I'm scared.

Body image is a very common problem in women. It makes me so sad to see girls obsess and worry over their weight and appearance. Interesting thing is, it seems that of all the girls that I know...it tends to be those who look the best and work out that obsess the most...are the unhappiest. From my side, it is so obvious that what they see in the mirror is not what others see. I just want them to be able, for a minute, to step outside their bodies and view themselves as I and others view them. There are so many things in life that are much more important than the unattainable "perfect" body. I think that this situation makes me so sad because I understand it very well. I am not completely secure, confident and happy with my body even though my current body is probably the best I will look through the rest of my life...I should enjoy it because in 10 years I will probably long for this body.
After battling anorexia for 4 years of my life...I understand body image...body distortion...body obsessions all too well. These things consumed my entire life and identity for many years. When I look back at pictures of me then, I am appalled. I can not believe that I looked like I did and truly never saw it at the time. 5'6" and 80-90 pounds!? I was literally skin and bones...yet I saw a worthless pig staring back at me in the mirror. If I wanted to get to 100 pounds and then "I'd be happy/satisfied"...then I'd get to 100 pounds and proceed to need 95...then I'd stop...etc. etc. This cycle repeated itself for a long time. It became a game with me...a power trip...something I could control...I felt as though it became my entire identity...the only thing I had left...my best friend and worst enemy. Everything else in my life, one by one, became something of the past that I no longer enjoyed or possessed any desire or care for.
It was more about control and power than striving to be thin...but it spiraled viciously out of control...I worry and fear for my female friends because I know how quickly, easily, and unintentionally eating disorders can develop...and I know how miserable and empty one's life becomes. I remember hearing stories about anorexia when I was younger and proclaiming that I could NEVER become such a thing. It baffled me and was something I could not understand...then...at the age of 16...I understood.
Although I have fully recovered from anorexia, I'd be lying if I said that the nagging, degrading voice in my head is completely gone. Like most women, I am still tormented by that voice...the voice that constantly attempts to break me...to destroy me...to rob me of my life and of happiness. I have learned how to better cope with and "talk back" to that voice...but I know that in reality...it will never cease to at least exist in my head as a whisper. It's a constant struggle...it is something I can totally relate to...and yet when it is me on the outside...I am so frustrated, bewildered and sad...that my friends...my beautiful and attractive friends do not see what I see.
Negative body image is a tricky issue...there is no easy answer to the thoughts and feelings that accompany it. It is something that will never go away...it won't go away in myself...and it won't go away in most women. It breaks my heart.
I wish for my friends to see what I see when I look at them...and I wish to see what they see when they look at me.

Throughout my adult life, I have often attempted to build the strongest of walls in order to keep people out. I have held up the barbed wire to prevent people from getting inside...even though it may be painful for me. I have recently been better as far as talking with those who I have learned to trust...but it is still difficult to completely let down my guard. I have spent years building up and reinforcing my walls. I venture outside those walls, however I quickly retreat back to "safety" when someone starts to get too close to my inner-most feelings, emotions and experiences. This is mainly the case with men. I have often numbed myself behind my walls prior to embarking on my journey beyond them. I have often thrown myself into the wild...wandering into those places that I know to be most dangerous...most hazardous....to those places where people...men...won't so much as attempt to get beyond my walls. It is time that I must begin to strengthen my mind and my self-esteem rather than my walls...rather than clutching that barbed wire...allowing it to wound my body so long as I try to tell myself that I am preventing others from further wounding my heart...my soul...even if I know I am doing the opposite.
It is now time to cautiously remove the barbed wire. It is time to strengthen my mind. It is critical...it is essential. I must better learn when and where my guard is and is not necessary. I must refuse to settle. I must attempt to see within myself those qualities and that potential that others see within me.

Why is she so sad? A grown woman who often feels like the child in this picture...except that Mom or Dad's hugs can no longer fix her. Sad and vulnerable...depressed and sometimes hopeless. To the outside world, her life appears wonderful. She has an amazing family and a very strong and loving support system in her friends. She is intelligent, athletic, social/friendly, loving, trustworthy...and is generally very well-liked by her peers. She has had numerous wonderful opportunities and experiences and had the ideal and happy childhood. So what happened? Why is she so sad? Why is her brain wired with obsessive compulsions...self hatred...intense anxiety and sadness? Why does she "settle" into relations with men...why doesn't she believe any of her peers who insist that she deserves better? Why does she feel inadequate...even worthless at times? She wants so desperately to be happy as she once genuinely was...before he damaged her. She wants so desperately to heal her internal wounds and learn to love herself. She tries...she becomes so tired. The energy expended on what may seem so simple is absolutely exhausting for her. She has started her climb up countless times...only to repeatedly plummet to darkness shortly after. It is difficult for her to remain hopeful...but with the help and love of her family and friends...she tries. Thankfully, she has many people that continue to extend their hands in order to help her climb out of the deep holes that she digs...people that refuse to give up on her...people that continue to love her and support her regardless. However, no one can pull her out by themselves...she must first climb towards their outstretched hands. They can not save her so easily. She often gets ahold of a helping hand...only to slip back out of their clutches and descend back towards her rock bottom. Why is she so sad? She is often told she is so strong...so why does she continue to struggle? Why is she so sad? And will she ever obtain true happiness within herself? She will continue to try...she will try to believe and remain hopeful in herself as others continue to believe and hope in her.

I am so blessed when it comes to friends. I have numerous "best friends" and I have many people that I love and trust...many people who have been there for me and helped me through the tough periods of my life. Although I love all of my friends...I have one different kind of friend. She is on an entirely different "best friend" level and those two words don't even do her justice. I really have no words that could fully describe how important she is to me and how much she has done for me. She gives me strength and hope when I otherwise have none. She has a way of talking to me that makes me want to listen and take her words to heart. She understands me and knows me so thoroughly...so deeply...that we can have an entire conversation without words. Her love for me, and mine for her is so intense that even trying to think of a way to explain her importance in my life fills me with anxiety because it is just so overwhelmingly powerful. No amount of "thank you"'s or "I love you"'s could ever make her or anyone else fully understand the feelings that I have about her and our friendship. Her strength and wisdom have kept me going, gets me over the bumps in the road and instills some sort of hope within me for true happiness. She has helped me up each of the countless times that I have fallen...and her comfort is something that I can't imagine living without. She has no idea how much I admire her..how much I look up to her...how much I want to make her proud...how much I want to see us both genuinely happy. I could go on and on and on and still not fully describe our friendship but to My Mandy, I love you so very much and am so lucky to have you in my life and to have you as my best best friend. When I think about you, you are truly in a world of your own when it comes to my friendships/relationships. I will never be able to make you understand exactly how I feel...and although it'll never be enough...Thank you and I love you! Your friendship is more important to me than you could even know. You are my best friend. You are my family. You are My Mandy :-)

As our Cleveland weather just went from beautiful Spring to freezing Winter in the matter of a couple hours, I have found myself daydreaming passionately about Hawaii. Thinking about the fact that I was supposed to still be living there and finishing school at UH in the year-round warm sunshine. I know it was not realistic for me to stay there and do so...yet I always find myself with questions and 'what if's" What if I stayed just a little longer and found a better job, what if school at UH would have been amazing, what if I would have sucked up the low income and lived off of the very bare essentials...Luckily, the reasonable, intelligent part of my brain jumps in eventually and I realize that it is what it is, there are no what-ifs, it happened how it did and it happened for a reason and I am forever grateful for the two experiences I did have living in Honolulu. I learned a lot about life and myself and did so while in the middle of a tropical island. I am close to and love my family and friends so very much and it was definitely difficult being half way across the world from them...with it being difficult to even speak on the phone due to the 6 hours time difference. I know I can't complain about moving home...I am just NOT ready for winter...as usual. So, I will just try to stay on the beach...at least in my mind. It's all mental. It's all attitude.