The Life That Is Mine

While breezing through my various "to do" tasks on the internet this morning, I randomly came across this picture. It made me smile and my heart started to beat a little more rapidly (in a good, happy way). I felt as though I was momentarily whisked back to my childhood. I felt as though I was actually looking at a picture of myself from one of my mom's photo albums. This small innocent girl, unharmed by the brutal world, so content...at peace...on the beach. I long to be back on that sand as a young undamaged girl. This small beautiful child has no idea how much she should or will appreciate that very moment. I had no idea. There is no way to really comprehend it at that age. But how wonderful it is to at least have had that time in my life...even if it is now only a memory.

*Just a general FYI...over the past couple months I have found that many people have NO idea what honesty means. So, here is a brief, general definition for those "adults" who are still somehow completely unaware of its actual meaning.

Main Entry: hon·es·ty
Pronunciation: 'ä-n&s-tE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
1 a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts : SINCERITY
Synonyms: HONESTY, HONOR, INTEGRITY, PROBITY….mean uprightness of character or action…. HONESTY implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way…INTEGRITY implies trustworthiness and incorruptibility to a degree that one is incapable of being false to a trust, responsibility, or pledge…etc.

The touch of a man. What is it about the touch of a man that evokes within me such powerful feelings and such intense desire?
I am not even talking about the sexual aspect of being with a man. I am also not talking about the touch of just any man.
It is certain individuals, whom when wrapped in their arms and pressed against their skin can overwhelm me with such a sense of calm and comfort…can momentarily make me feel so content. Much more importantly, what is it about these individuals that allow me to compromise myself…to block out those gut feeling…those feelings that are trying to tell me that this is not the wonderful person that I would like to believe it is?
Why do I cling to those brief, fleeting moments of happiness? How do I still allow myself to lower my guard? I have an exceptionally strong distrust in men…and yet I continue to hope. Hope for what? Sometimes, I think I simply hope for hope.
Most of the time, I am completely hopeless…and yet I continue to jump at the mere opportunity to hope…and to genuinely believe in that hope. To hope that I will obtain the touch of a man…whose touch I will have forever…whose touch is genuine…real…honest…whose touch is not touching another woman.
Hopeful…or hopeless…my stance jumps back and forth as if the ball in a never-ending tennis match . What is it about the touch of a man?

*"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."
*"Live every day like it's your last...because one of these days it will be."
*"One day your whole life will flash before your eyes; make it worth watching."

These three quotes have always been three of my favorites in terms of 'Life'. They have somewhat consumed my mind lately as I have spent much of the past week contemplating these three short, simple phrases.
My obsessive thoughts were triggered by something that recently happened to my very best friend. Her co-worker and friend, a healthy, young 28 year old girl with a special talent in photography...had a sudden brain aneurysm and lost her life shortly thereafter. It was that quick. She had left work in a particularly positive and happy mood...and within hours she was gone. Boom.
Although I did not know her personally, the thought twisted my stomach into knots and sent my brain into a violent spin. I began to think about my friends and my family...I tried to stop these thoughts as they began to terrify and upset me. I then realized that I can not try to ignore those emotions. Rather, I need to make an attempt to focus more often and more consistently on what is truly important in my life...what truly matters. If someone close to me had a sudden brain aneurysm last week...would I have any regrets about what I had said or done...or hadn't said or done in our last encounter?
It can be so simple as an "I love you" on my way out the door...or trying to overpower the nagging voice in my head that may be "too tired" to return that phone call from a friend tonight... or from simply sharing a smile the countless people I encounter daily. It can be so simple as refusing to leave the house for the day immediately after a typical sibling argument in which things are said that are not truly meant.
What is truly important to me? How do I show that? Would I be able to look back at my last experience with each of my loved ones and be content with my final actions or words with that person?
Like the beginning three quotes, we must live for today. That is all we are promised...this moment. Although it may sound cliche...it is the truth. We can not change the past and we are not guaranteed the future...so why is it that we spend so much time obsessing over both of them? I vow to myself today, to concentrate on focusing my energy on the present moment and on the people who matter in that present moment. I am not guaranteed my life or anyone else's tomorrow...I will think of that next time I want to spit out words that I can not take back...I will think of that next time I am about to leave the house before telling my family "I love you" because they are upstairs and "I'm already half way out the door...Ill just tell them tonight."
I am so thankful for my amazing friends and family and have realized that you can never tell someone that you love them/are thankful for them too much. We are only promised this moment, and I plan to live it.

I had the most incredible dream a few nights ago and I can not stop thinking about it. It sounds like an unrealistic fantasy, and yet it seemed so, so real.
I have always had a love…passion…and complete fascination with dolphins. I think they are such amazing creatures…so beautiful and so intelligent. Sparked by my attraction to dolphins, I decided to take the opportunity to swim with about 6 of them years ago while in Miami, Florida. (That is a whole other topic to write about thoughJ). Also, a couple of years ago, I drew an image of a dolphin jumping over a sun and ocean waves. I then had this image transferred to a permanent tattoo on my inside left ankle. I can not help but smile at the sight of it as I am instantly reminded of wonderfulness and mystery of a dolphin’s life.
So, back to my dream…My dad and I were out in the middle of a calm, turquoise, crystal clear ocean. There were no boats…no land…no anything in sight….except about 50 gorgeous dolphins. Each was unique from the others. Each one of them knew us. We knew each of them…just as we would know our friends as humans, immediately upon seeing them.
I comfortably glided sharply beneath the water, without the need to even surface for a breath. We all played…we all communicated explicitly without words. It was as if I belonged in their mysterious ocean world. Each dolphin’s personality radiated beyond its smooth, shiny and powerful body.
When my dad and I swam to the surface, they did the same. They playfully followed commands that we signaled with our hands as we laughed and applauded their resulting tricks, leaps and flips.
I never wanted to leave their world…however, it was inevitable. My dad and I, side by side waved at the large group that faced us, both enthusiastically and sadly. The dolphins simultaneously squealed, splashed and waved their fins goodbye. We reluctantly turned to swim away together as I let the ocean and my tears unite. It was then that I awoke from my wishful fantasy.
Dolphins are such intriguing beings. It was magnificent spending some time, even if only in a dream, in their mystifying and drama-free world. In reality, I know that I can not be a part of their world. While I sleep however, I will eagerly answer any future invitation.

In about 10 hours, the Cleveland Cavaliers will begin their 2006-07 season. Not only is this great news in that basketball is my favorite sport AND the Cavs are my favorite team...but as basketball season begins....football season continues! :-)
My favorite time of the year is when these two overlap. There's always a game to watch, a team to cheer for, a team to cheer against, and tickets to be desired.
One upcoming weekend will surely be one to go down in my most memorable. The weekend of November 17th:
Friday = CAVS home game
Saturday = OSU(No.1) vs. MICHIGAN(No.2)
Sunday = BROWNS vs. STEELERS
I am eagerly awaiting that weekend as it is a perfect way to celebrate my favorite sports time of year!