Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Reopened Wounds
I have recently reopened some very painful wounds from my past…excruciating internal wounds. The pain is unbearable at times. I am often overwhelmed, unable to think straight. These wounds inside of me, some having originated many years ago, have never healed. I never allowed them to heal. I simply numbed each one in whatever way that I could…thus, proceeding to further mutilate each one due to the fact that I couldn’t feel.
I am beginning now, an attempt towards properly medicating and healing the destruction within me. It is a harder journey than I could have ever imagined. I am feeling things that I have spent a good portion of my life suppressing. Not only am I feeling each of them, but I am feeling many of them simultaneously. It is painful. It is exhausting. At times, I don’t know how I can possibly proceed down this path. The journey is brutal…so I try to remind myself that my future destination is a glorious and positive place. Is that enough to keep me going?
In the past, I have always found ways to shut myself off…shut off feeling, shut off thinking, shut off caring…always longing for anything that will take away my feelings. Anything that will numb my pain. I have countless scars covering my body on the outside. While ignoring the wounds within me, I have always picked at and continually ripped open any cut, bug bite, gash etc. on the outside of my body. I wanted to bleed. I wanted the pain to be visible. Inside of me, the pain is so intense and yet it can not be seen on the outside. My scars represent my pain. The pain that I can’t otherwise express.
I want to heal. I want that so badly. It is still so difficult, so scary. I want to continue on that path…but will I? Will my extremely obsessive and addictive personality finally allow me to push past and continue forward? Will I turn back to unhealthy coping mechanisms?...Alcohol, sex, drugs…? Will I be able to handle the constant sting..the constant throbbing within without suppressing my reactions and feelings? Will I ever be able to heal? Do I have what it takes?
I am beginning now, an attempt towards properly medicating and healing the destruction within me. It is a harder journey than I could have ever imagined. I am feeling things that I have spent a good portion of my life suppressing. Not only am I feeling each of them, but I am feeling many of them simultaneously. It is painful. It is exhausting. At times, I don’t know how I can possibly proceed down this path. The journey is brutal…so I try to remind myself that my future destination is a glorious and positive place. Is that enough to keep me going?
In the past, I have always found ways to shut myself off…shut off feeling, shut off thinking, shut off caring…always longing for anything that will take away my feelings. Anything that will numb my pain. I have countless scars covering my body on the outside. While ignoring the wounds within me, I have always picked at and continually ripped open any cut, bug bite, gash etc. on the outside of my body. I wanted to bleed. I wanted the pain to be visible. Inside of me, the pain is so intense and yet it can not be seen on the outside. My scars represent my pain. The pain that I can’t otherwise express.
I want to heal. I want that so badly. It is still so difficult, so scary. I want to continue on that path…but will I? Will my extremely obsessive and addictive personality finally allow me to push past and continue forward? Will I turn back to unhealthy coping mechanisms?...Alcohol, sex, drugs…? Will I be able to handle the constant sting..the constant throbbing within without suppressing my reactions and feelings? Will I ever be able to heal? Do I have what it takes?
# posted by JennAdelia @ 4:00 PM 
